Everything on pause
I know, I know. It’s been a while. We have had lots of big life things happen and I didn’t want to just throw words on a page for the sake of throwing words on a page. (I don't ever want to do that.) We have had a series of court dates, visitations, and moving, among other things.
Here’s the update— We are back to waiting. Not what you wanted to hear? I completely understand. But it’s sort of good. For right now, anyway.
We were told about a month ago that the boys would be transitioning back with mom and it would be a process that would take about a month. That would have put them being there permanently right around this exact week. They would have had a series of visits, day visits, and night stays before it was completely permanent. So, naturally, when I first heard this, I grieved. I had a good long cry as My Philip rubbed his hand up and down my back. Trying to console me as he tried processing it all too. It was a dark Friday night, that felt sort of like a nightmare that next morning.
But, I knew I had to start letting them go. And that weekend I started taking everything in. I was living a little slower. Their bedtime routine was taking a little longer. I started to talk more about Jesus (beyond what the one page kid bible story shared)... and made it a point to tell them more frequently how much He loves them and always will. The boys began to look at me differently. I am not sure if I was racing through these moments in the past and didn’t take the time to look at their reactions before? Terrible, I know. Or if there was something awakening in them? The older of the two, began praying. In his broken words that have many w’s for r’s, not understood by many, he began to pray. He would pray for us, for his brother, for the dogs, and some other nouns I am unsure of.
Fast forward two weeks and something crazy happened. It all got paused! They started having unsupervised visits and some questionable things that I unfortunately cannot talk much about happened. And now the whole thing is paused. Back to waiting. Which is really not a terrible thing at this point.
Everything in me during this last month has wanted to crawl into my comfortable shell and sit somewhere at the bottom of the ocean till this whole thing is over. Sit there till I can come back out when I am able to read the ending of this story.
But then He meets me. Like on that dark Friday night. He opens my closing heart time and time again and reminds me of that forming pearl right in the center. He shows me that even in the in-between, the hard piece of sand that landed is only in it’s developing stages. The uncomfortable life moments of exposure and vulnerability are making something beautiful on the inside. Oh, but what I would do to sneak to the last couple pages of that last chapter. Will the main character live? Do they fall in love? Does it all work out?
And what if I did close myself up? What good would that do? To the boys? To those around me? What problem would that solve? What if I missed it all? All the little miracles. All the beautiful moments and memories. The stories of redemption, pain, and healing.
Oh, and PS. Thanks for waiting with us. I know so many hearts are connected to this unfinished story. Track with us as we see His goodness unfold, chapter by chapter. Because it ain't over Rover. And we can't peek at the end anyway.