Read with caution. This post is raw and contains real feelings that I cannot truly apologize for.
It’s a constant battle. I’m some type torn somewhere between wanting them to stay forever and some other place I can't quite put my finger on. There's definitely a hazy line in my heart. A HUGE part of me wants them to stay because of how much they are loved and cared for here. And because of doing life with them the kingdom way. I would love to see their lives restored and redeemed for Him... and actually see it to completion throughout their older years. And, to be honest, I cannot picture life without them now.
Then deep down somewhere there’s a tiny voice that says, "There is a mom that loves them so deeply too." She may not have it all together. She may be fighting a battle against herself that most people would label and write off. But she loves them. How could she not? I can’t explain it. I mean, of course I want her to do better. I want her to know the real true God, the only one that can set her free. But then it would probably mean they wouldn’t stay. And isn't that the point of foster care? Ugh. All the feelings.
Yes, this is what we signed up for, I know. This is the ugly reality of foster care. The ups with the scary downs. The inconsistencies and the what if’s. The wavering and the unknowns. But then I always go back to the one thing He draws me back to every single time— Trust.
I know He’s good and I also know He has hand chosen the one(s) that are supposed to stay. But it doesn't mean it's easy. Most days are filled with laughter and beautiful chaos. But then some days sneak up on me and I don't even know what to pray for any more. When it comes, I open my heart up to Him and whisper short prayers of what seems ordinary but it's the only thing that comes out, "Lord, I trust you. Completely."
In the meantime, I dream of a day of heartless faces. The ones I don't have to give back and can be ours forever. And it may sound selfish to some because reunification is so important and the main goal at the end. But I have to go back to the beginning when we decided to foster. We would foster until we found the ones we were supposed to adopt. Some people call it 'foster to adopt'... which is actually not a technical term in the world of foster care. Nonetheless, it does happen. There is a need for parents to adopt the ones that need a permanent home. And we are here for it. But first, trust.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1