I get asked lots of times— 'What are you feeling with these two? What are you thinking will happen? Do you think they will stay? They just seem like they are part of your family now.' And time and time again, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to respond honestly. I usually have a thousand words readily available at any given time, except with this.
I also usually have a feeling about stuff in general. Call it having a sixth sense. Intuition. Prophetic. Whatever it is. I’ve always had it. I usually have a feeling about something or someone. It’s a gift, for sure. Sometimes a curse, but mostly a gift. Ha!
But in this area... it's been tough to 'get that feeling.' Maybe I haven’t allowed myself to dream with them in it yet. Maybe I felt so crushed when we lost our first set of boys that I lost that ability to see past tomorrow. Maybe my heart closed up tight and now I just live each day as it’s own. Or maybe He's wanting to teach me something. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Which, if you know me, this whole thing is veryyyy hard. I’m a natural-born planner. I know what my days, weeks, and months ahead look like for the most part. I dream big dreams and have goals I want to achieve. Not to mention the checklists. And the ones I even write down even if they are done, just so I have the pleasure of crossing it out. I know, crazy.
But in this, there's no planning. There's only trust. I live like they are staying because that's the only thing that's fair to them. But then, there's that lingering question of their future, our future, pressing tight on the back side of my heart.
I guess the waiting is His way of telling me, just trust. It’s going to be okay. Nothing fancy. Nothing extraordinary. Trust. I am constantly replaying a story a wise local spiritual father shared from his seat of trust. Once again, here's the story so I don't butcher it all up. You can also find it here: https://kingdomatwork.com/clarity-vs-trust/
When John Kavanaugh, the noted and famous ethicist, went to Calcutta, he was seeking Mother Teresa… and more. He went for three months to work at “the house of the dying” to find out how best he could spend the rest of his life.
When he met Mother Teresa, he asked her to pray for him. “What do you want me to pray for?” she replied. He then uttered the request he had carried thousands of miles: “Clarity. Pray that I have clarity.”
“No,” Mother Teresa answered, “I will not do that.” When he asked her why, she said, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.” When Kavanaugh said that she always seemed to have clarity, the very kind of clarity he was looking for, Mother Teresa laughed and said: “I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”
Insert all the crying faces here. Oh, and the brain explosion one too. This has stayed with me every day since the day I heard this story— "Not clarity, but trust."
It’s taught me that I don’t have to see, to believe. I don’t have to know what will happen next to know if He will be good or not. He was, is, and will continue to be good. For us, and for them. And for you too, friend.