Recently, I began to think something was wrong with me. We have experienced great measures of loss in the last six months (More on that story another time. Not ready for that one yet. Ha!)... and each time I have been able to “bounce back” rather quickly. At least I thought it was me doing the bouncing back. It would make me think I wasn't grieving correctly or processing it all the way as many others do. I thought my heart may be hardening with each hard thing that happened. Except I didn't feel hardened. Weird, I know. Hard to explain.
But I quickly realized it wasn't that. Ready?
What if I do not have the ability to stay in hopelessness for long? What if He is so present and so alive in me, that He is not able to coexist or compete with other things that are His direct opposite? Like... fear, anxiety, doubt, and in my case, hopelessness. And then it all clicked. It’s not me being strong enough to move on. It’s Him so present in me that nothing else can take root. Hopelessness could not settle in comfortably and make it's nest. It had to go. Because no measure of darkness can be present where He is present.
A very dear friend, who has been so constant this past season, shared a song with me by Jonathan and Melissa Helser called, 'I Lose My Ability.' There’s a line in the song that says– “I lose my ability to be afraid when I hear You say my name.”
As I listened to that song again, I found myself inserting hopelessness in that line. And then all the other feelings that try to creep in were inserted too. I lose my ability to… fill in the blank.
When I think of the boys. When I think about their future. When I think of the future of our family. It’s good. At the scent of Jesus, it’ll all be good. And that’s all I really need to know.
Job 14:7-9
7 “For there is hope for a tree,
If it is cut down, that it will sprout again,
And that its tender shoots will not cease.
8 Though its root may grow old in the earth,
And its stump may die in the ground,
9 Yet at the scent of water it will bud
And bring forth branches like a plant."
That's all I have for now. It's not much, but this new thing is so deep. I hope this can help someone shake off those unwanted, overwhelming feelings. It has to be Him. He has to be so present and so real in you, everything else must go.
Thanks for sticking around for the unraveling of all the things. Our story is NOT yet finished and there is still so much goodness coming. I can't wait to share ALL the in-between details one day.
To be continued...